I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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