just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
