I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She's the barista slut.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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