i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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