Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
