So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Randomize
