party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
