Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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