I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
