Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
handjob tips. give me some.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
