Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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