he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
