Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
