Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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