i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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