You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
