I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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