I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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