dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
