I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
