The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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