you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
