I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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