Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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