she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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