my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
