It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
