I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
