Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
