just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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