My first STD was from a foam party
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
