I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
