I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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