My Higher Power is John Stamos
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
