there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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