two words: eviction party
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
