i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
