We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
