just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
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