Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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