I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
is wine microwaveable?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
