Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
