I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
