So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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