I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
