called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
