i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
