He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I don't deserve a penis
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
