I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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