Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
