i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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