The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
