omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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