Soap is not a condiment
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
